Ridin Dirty: Lance Armstrong is on that juice!

I love when athletes are forced to make confessions. It’s one of the most ridiculous moments in all of sports. Has anyone who has EVER been accused of taking steroids been clean? One person? Ever? Has “I don’t know what was in that supplement” ever worked? I know Carl Lewis is glad he ran back in the days of hightop fades and no internet because I’m sure he would not make it in the modern era. But Lance really takes the cake.

You know what the Lance Armstrong “confession” showed me? That, whether you are on the juice or not, there is a certain attitude it takes to be the best in the world at something. To be so competitive that you will put yourself through the hardest race on the planet and win it SEVEN times, while lying, and rotating dirty blood with clean blood and all the crazy stuff Lance had to do to always pass his drug tests and deny it for over ten years is that YOU CAN’T TURN IT OFF. That dude is an asshole. He convinced himself that because of his recovery from his cancer that he was just leveling the playing field by taking drugs. We always talk about how special you have to be to be a Michael Jordan, a Tiger Woods, a Kobe Bryant, a Brett Favre. We’re talking about indisputable, first ballot hall of famers, these guys are narcissistic jerks across the board. I guess you have to be. But seriously, you have to be a real dick to get away with winning the biggest race in your sport when you’re cheating and do it SIX MORE TIMES.

Damn Lance. You didn’t want to get two or three and shut it down? You really couldn’t stop before you were the most dominant athlete on the planet? They probably would have let you keep two yellow jerseys, but they weren’t gonna let you keep 7 of them.

I blame Floyd Landis. Lance had the best “I’m not on steroids” game of all time. There was nothing that could be pinned on him for the better part of a decade. Floyd Landis wins ONE Tour De France and he gets pinned before he could cross back over the Seine river and get out of the country.

Here’s my new rule. All athletes are on SOMETHING. Athletes stay on the cutting edge. ¬†Everyone at my gym is looking for an edge. Protein, creatine, weed, liquor, whatever. If it alters you for the better, they are on it. I stay hopped up on a custom cocktail of green tea, Hendrick’s Gin and Twerk Team videos. It gives me a real edge in this blog game.

Lance Armstong managed to apologize to the entire world while still coming off like he’d probably do it again. He’s like every other horrible bike dude that all of us have to deal with every day. That guy who wants to run stop lights. Who wants to be fully in a car lane like he’s actually a car. The guy who takes his seat off of his bike because he doesn’t want anyone to steal his sweet gel saddle…on steroids…literally.

This is cutting off abruptly because no one actually gives a damn about cycling. My bad.




  1. Just to admit it now, your boy Slick is juiced up on blaxploitation flicks, Corona Light, and the scent of Corinthian leather.

  2. Mr. Jezus says:

    They tried to give his titles away. The next 8-9 mufuggas behind him were dirty too. So fuck it. Lance is the best. He cheated, and beat all the other cheaters urry time.

    He’s a dick too, but so what. A lot of us are. I am still walking around slapping big dranks and doughnuts out of lardo’s hands. Think I won’t..

    I stay juiced up on frankincense and myrrh while listening to All Gold Everythang…

  3. Matta Fact says:

    I be on that Salvia Tea with Bacardi Limon on the rocks @ 3am postin youtube video links of obscure rappers with 57 views

    • Self aware Matta Fact is so much funnier than asshole Matta Fact. If you post wild ass obscure rappers off of YouTube embrace that shit. Don’t try to act like the rest of Us are f*cked up. Mike Lawry likes chicks right on the other side of that “baby-girl you need to slow down on them sammiches” line. But he rocks that shit. He happily caters to an underserved section of society.

  4. Ian M. Summers says:

    Meh, I knew a category 1 cyclist a couple years ago. He was on the stuff, and he said he didn’t know one successful cyclist who wasn’t. Everybody in the sport juices. Everyone. They’re all on EPO, clenbuterol, and some on Deca. You can’t maintain the training cycle (no pun intended) these guys do and not be on it. The body just doesn’t recover that fast. As a side note, Lance got testicular cancer at a pretty young age. The main reason guys that age get testicular cancer is because they’ve been juicing for years already. He beat everyone’s ass on an even playing field, so he’s still the greatest cyclist to ever do it.

  5. My biggest problem with professional sports is that if everyone in the sports juices, and the best people juice, and juicing makes you better, why is juicing illegal? That’s like getting eyeglasses to help you read better, then someone arbitrarily banning eyeglasses because they give you a competitive advantage over other readers. Your job is to play a professional sport. It’s not to be a model citizen. Let people do whatever it takes so they can hit 500 foot home runs and run 4.20 40-yard-dash times.

    And for the record, does anyone else feel that Kobe is juicing? Kobe has been playing in the NBA for 15+ seasons and can still hang with 20-year-old Kyrie Irving and put up 30 points a night. This isn’t Kareem “Sky Hook” 30 points a game. This is a “I’m still throwing down alley oops when I get the chance” 30 points a game. I’m skeptical.

  6. Ian M. Summers says:

    I think it’s illegal because they don’t want to set the precedent that taking most likely harmful substances is mandatory if you want to win. It would be awful if every single NFL retiree not only had concussions but failing kidneys, useess nuts and arthritic joints too.

  7. Mr. Jezus says:

    That HGH is a gift from abov….well right across the street.

    Folks think roids is the way to go. There is no doubt it helps, but you want the truth (and a big head) you get that HGH. Have you feeling like it’s 18 AD

    • Ian M. Summers says:

      HGH isn’t really that great for what cyclists do. It’s a very different anabolic compound than typical steroids. Cyclists mostly don’t want to get bigger, they just want to recover faster so they can train everyday. HGH is not as good at reducing inflammation as roids are (anabolic steroids or other kinds), so you get bigger on it, but it doesn’t do as much to reduce recovery time from strenuous work. HGH is harder to test for though.