I’m not even really going to complain about it. I can’t change it, sometimes you just have to ride it out. I give myself an hour and 15 to make it anywhere I go. Sometimes it takes 35 minutes, other times I get there right on time. Luckily I keep a fully loaded iPod hooked up in the ride. I’m usually good. But there is one problem that may arise when you are at a dead stop with no options for a long period of time.
Let me back up.
One of the greatest benefits of being a man is the range of options you have when taking a piss. You can go anywhere. It’s got a built-in hose mechanism. You can control flow and direction. You can draw your name in cursive on concrete or in snow. One of the greatest inventions made by man allows you to whip it out and take a piss without even getting undressed. Thank you zipper and accompanying underwear flap. It’s great.
But that convenience presents a problem. With great power comes great responsibility.
So I’m locked up in traffic with no options when I have to piss. BAD. Drinking this big body venti drink sounded great when I left the crib, but an hour later it has all become a horrible idea. Every moment I think I’m going to make it, I’m not. So I make a decision. I’m gonna try to piss back into this cup. Sounds easy? Sounds like a great idea? Worst decision I ever made. Because I made a lot of BAD assumptions. Walk through them with me won’t you?
Fallacy #1: Gravity.
When you have gone through your entire life pissing standing up. You underestimate the importance of liquids running downhill. You don’t realize when sitting in your car that you are actually trying to pee uphill. It really fucks up the stream-like motion you may be accustomed to. Once you realize this you now will be trying to semi stand in your car to create the proper angle. (degree of difficulty +3)
Fallacy #2: You think you know what 98.6 degrees is. Unless you piss in pools or bathtubs you don’t realize that your piss is body temperature and your body temperature is HOT. You aren’t really prepared to be holding the equivalent of flaming hot body waste. Not horrible, but just not something you are prepared for.
Fallacy #3: Unless you are in a semi-truck, someone can probably see you. I was in a sedan so my head was on the swivel for soccer moms in SUVs.
Fallacy #4: The Pressure. By time you have to piss this badly you are going to be wielding a damn fire hose. Not to mention the fact you are holding a cup with a backstop mere inches from your dack. You think you get splashback when standing at a urinal when you are arching it in at a few feet? This is like pissing onto a wall standing six inches away. That would be stupid. This is stupid.
Fallacy #5: The container.
I know what you’re thinking. I know what I was thinking. I drank all the liquid in that cup. I now need to get rid of that liquid. That liquid should fit neatly right back into that cup. That makes sense, right?
Somehow your body has increased the liquid in your body by at least 20%. How the fuck did that happen? So I’m pissing into the cup, thinking it is all good. Relief is washing over my body. Until I look down and realize I’ve got more gas than I have tank. I’m making decisions under pressure like Peyton Manning with the rush bearing down on me. Now I’ve got to try to cut it off mid stream. That’s not easy. But I focused and got the job done, but it wasn’t easy.
The whole situation was ridiculous. I’m not saying it didn’t have to be done. It did. Better than spraying piss all over the whip, but damn I wasn’t ready for all the side effects. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Learn from my mistakes.
Any protips out there for the next time it goes down? Wait, there’s not gonna be a next time. I’m not going out like that again. Thanks for letting me share.
Almost forgot the most important part. After peeing into a cup that looks and feels exactly like the cup I am absent-mindedly, constantly drinking out of 90% of the time, I also had to keep reminding myself NOT TO DRINK FROM THE CUP. Horrible.