As you all know I moved to Los Angeles last year and there were some adjustments to be made. Sure the weather is great, the women are bad, the ocean is right there, but the traffic…
I’m not even really going to complain about it. I can’t change it, sometimes you just have to ride it out. I give myself an hour and 15 to make it anywhere I go. Sometimes it takes 35 minutes, other times I get there right on time. Luckily I keep a fully loaded iPod hooked up in the ride. I’m usually good. But there is one problem that may arise when you are at a dead stop with no options for a long period of time.
Let me back up.
One of the greatest benefits of being a man is the range of options you have when taking a piss. You can go anywhere. It’s got a built-in hose mechanism. You can control flow and direction. You can draw your name in cursive on concrete or in snow. One of the greatest inventions made by man allows you to whip it out and take a piss without even getting undressed. Thank you zipper and accompanying underwear flap. It’s great.
But that convenience presents a problem. With great power comes great responsibility.
So I’m locked up in traffic with no options when I have to piss. BAD. Drinking this big body venti drink sounded great when I left the crib, but an hour later it has all become a horrible idea. Every moment I think I’m going to make it, I’m not. So I make a decision. I’m gonna try to piss back into this cup. Sounds easy? Sounds like a great idea? Worst decision I ever made. Because I made a lot of BAD assumptions. Walk through them with me won’t you?
Fallacy #1: Gravity.
When you have gone through your entire life pissing standing up. You underestimate the importance of liquids running downhill. You don’t realize when sitting in your car that you are actually trying to pee uphill. It really fucks up the stream-like motion you may be accustomed to. Once you realize this you now will be trying to semi stand in your car to create the proper angle. (degree of difficulty +3)
Fallacy #2: You think you know what 98.6 degrees is. Unless you piss in pools or bathtubs you don’t realize that your piss is body temperature and your body temperature is HOT. You aren’t really prepared to be holding the equivalent of flaming hot body waste. Not horrible, but just not something you are prepared for.
Fallacy #3: Unless you are in a semi-truck, someone can probably see you. I was in a sedan so my head was on the swivel for soccer moms in SUVs.
Fallacy #4: The Pressure. By time you have to piss this badly you are going to be wielding a damn fire hose. Not to mention the fact you are holding a cup with a backstop mere inches from your dack. You think you get splashback when standing at a urinal when you are arching it in at a few feet? This is like pissing onto a wall standing six inches away. That would be stupid. This is stupid.
Fallacy #5: The container.
I know what you’re thinking. I know what I was thinking. I drank all the liquid in that cup. I now need to get rid of that liquid. That liquid should fit neatly right back into that cup. That makes sense, right?
Somehow your body has increased the liquid in your body by at least 20%. How the fuck did that happen? So I’m pissing into the cup, thinking it is all good. Relief is washing over my body. Until I look down and realize I’ve got more gas than I have tank. I’m making decisions under pressure like Peyton Manning with the rush bearing down on me. Now I’ve got to try to cut it off mid stream. That’s not easy. But I focused and got the job done, but it wasn’t easy.
The whole situation was ridiculous. I’m not saying it didn’t have to be done. It did. Better than spraying piss all over the whip, but damn I wasn’t ready for all the side effects. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Learn from my mistakes.
Any protips out there for the next time it goes down? Wait, there’s not gonna be a next time. I’m not going out like that again. Thanks for letting me share.
-Brock
————-UPDATE———
Almost forgot the most important part. After peeing into a cup that looks and feels exactly like the cup I am absent-mindedly, constantly drinking out of 90% of the time, I also had to keep reminding myself NOT TO DRINK FROM THE CUP. Horrible.
I too have a horror story about having to pee in a car with no options.
I was taking shifts driving on a road trip with a friend once. I really had to piss, but we were badly behind schedule. My boy refused to pull over and there was nothing to piss in inside the car, except for my friend’s bottle of Gatorade that wasn’t even close to being empty. So I had to watch him gingerly sip it for about a half hour before I finally get the emptied bottle from him.
He pulls the truck over to the far right lane since I’m in the passenger seat, and I get down to business. Now because of the ergonomics of the truck we were in, I had to get on my knees on the seat to get everything lined up to pee into this bottle, which doesn’t seem like an issue even though it puts my dick at about mid-window level, because we’re in the far right lane.
At least we were in the far right lane, until he heard the stream hitting the side of the bottle and he makes a for the far left lane and gives the horn a few taps. Whatever, I have no problem with a couple adult strangers seeing my junk pressed up against a Gatorade bottle. Seeing this, my boy ups the ante and pulls up next to a minivan being driven by some mid-thirties soccer mom with a bunch of teenage girls in the back, and lays on the horn. I’m powerless to do anything, because I’ve got a proper stream going, the kind that is unstoppable until it’s damn well done, and if I move I’m gonna screw up the dick-to-bottle alignment and piss all over myself. I have no choice but to keep on keeping on. My friend isn’t satisfied just yet, so he rolls down the window. I had my eyes closed so I don’t know it’s happening until the wind takes the Gatorade bottle out of my hand. Shit. I pinched the tip to buy myself a couple seconds, but it was too painful to maintain, so I took the only option available to me. I laid my junk out the window on the sill of the door and pissed all down the side of the truck as this lady and her girls soccer team was watching me.
That moment is like a whirlwind of emotions. Foremost was relief, followed closely by rage, fear of possibly getting arrested if we drove by a cop, and not least of all appreciating the humor of it.
@Ian. Hilarious story. For the record, whipping out your dack on the passenger side of the car while your boy is driving is some white dude shit. Just wanted to note that for the record.
Man Rule #2182
Thou shalt always keep a 32 ounce Gatorade bottle in the car.
Wide Opening, Big container, and Splash back proof… Perfect emergency pisser. You can literally one hand it.
@Ian – that was the most hilarious damn thing I’ve read in a long time. Took me twice as long to finish eating my lunch while reading since I had to keep stopping so as not spit it out all over the table in front of the local Ruby Tuesday patrons. Good stuff and a much needed laugh today.
@ Ian
HA! Man, agree with your boy about “weakest bladder doesn’t choose when we stop” but once you lost the bottle, the jokes over. The chance of you pissing all in my ride takes the “funny” out of the situation quick.
@ Brock
Yes, sadly that is some nilla shit. I can’t understand why nillas think shit like this is cool. Go back through the “prank” shows…..AFV/Jackass/Nitro Circus/Ridiculousness, all white folks on there playing “jokes” on each other.
@Brock
“For the record, whipping out your dack on the passenger side of the car while your boy is driving is some white dude shit.”
I’m not pissing my pants for the sake of modesty and neither would you (it’s just a dick). Desperate times call for desperate measures. We’ve been on more hockey teams and shared more locker rooms than I can count, so I figured fuck it. I still turned away from him.
@Ian. I’ll concede that point. But your boy wouldn’t have let you piss in his car either. High stakes game of chicken.
LOL that was great
Thanks for the laughs fellow travellers. I believe the most disturbin part about such an ordeal has to be the pain of that distended bladder and the fear of soiling one self. Damn.
I have had several horrific experiences but theres one that stays fresh in my mind, maybe ’cause I was in the company of a beautiful woman that I was after.
We had attended one of those out of town seminars and afterwards decided to visit her hometown which was nearby. I had 3 beers at lunch which translated to 1.5 litres of malt, barley and hops just swirlin inside me.
We took an express bus to her hometown which was supposed to be nearby but after 15 minutes of travel my bladder was screaming. 20minutes later, I broke out in a cold sweat and could only speak thru gritted teeth to ask how much further. 25 minutes later i was goin in and out of unconsciousness and even the lady knew I was in trouble.
When we alighted I could hardly walk and had grown a hunchback somewhere along the way. I was having difficulty focusing and had this huge roarin sound in my ears. I staggered away from her to the edge of a wheat field by the side of the road. Fumbled with the zipper all the while praying that I make it having come so far… I remember I almost fell when that jet came forth. I flattened a huge swathe of wheat all the while groaning loudly. It must have taken over a minute to empty that bladder.
When I came to, the jet had reduced to a stream and then a trickle and I slowly forced my spine to straighten. Afterwards I got out hand wipes from my backpack, and cleaned up, my back to her at all times.
As I rejoined her on the side of the road, I was relieved to find that mirth had replaced the concern in her eyes and she was dying to explode with laughter. A single witty remark from me and she lost it. We laughed so hard that she had to hold on to me.
Yes, I got laid that nite, but that shit wasn’t funny. At all. {shudder}
turrible you guys have it so easy at least you have an option us ladies have no out we have to hold till we find an appropiate place to squat
Everything about this post is hilarious. I’m pretty sure this is every man’s worst nightmare scenario.