Man Up Monday: The Secret Service

Being a member of the Secret Service is a very serious job. These guys are all ex-military. They are the most trusted “cops” in America. When anyone important to the American infrastructure needs protection, they get the Secret Service. These guys aren’t just bodyguards. They roll ahead of the President to do location prep. If anything goes down they know how to get him out of there. If they need to do some real life Jason Bourne and roll the Presidential limo through the streets of Bogota at top speed…they’ve got it covered.

Usually these guys are all business.

But now there’s a story about the Secret Service down in Columbia doing prep for the President next week. So they secured the hotel. Scouted and prepped the rooms. Developed procedures for escape and maximum protection. They got done with work a little early and decided to go grab a few drinks and hit the streets a bit. Why not, the President wasn’t even there yet. That’s when things started getting a little loose in the club. The boys ran into those Columbian girls and lost their damn mind. I can’t say I blame them.

They rolled a few chicks back to the hotel and a few guys got it in. That’s when things fell apart. Apparently they learned the true meaning of “Fuck You, Pay Me” because the ladies were prostitutes.

Uh oh. You know Obama got this call and broke out that “Are you fucking kidding me?” face.

This is a big scandal now, but we all know what happened here. I’ve had a few boys go out like this. That’s why you always have to have your international game tight. You’ve got to know the rules and policies of the country you are in. You see, prostitution is legal in parts of Columbia. It isn’t like here where pros will walk the streets looking to get picked up. These chicks just go to the bar to pick up suckers Americans looking for a good time. Apparently it was an epic night in Columbia and someone thought he had his game tight. I mean things were really clicking on all cylinders Jersey Shore style. These dudes rolled into what they thought was a regular bar and thought they were spitting the best “we don’t speak the same language” game ever spit. I can see it now. They probably still had their suits, sunglasses and earpieces in.

After a night of pleasure, they wake up in the morning just to find out the chick was working the whole time. It’s gotta be crazy thinking you were having a one night stand kind of night and you find out she was working you. That’s gotta be just about the worst feeling in the world.

I’m not even mad at these dudes. It was a night out that is now getting blown all out of proportion. I know, I know, no chicks in the secure area. I know. Look, jumping in front of a bullet for someone else is part of your job description, you need to blow off some steam every once in a while. But you can’t explain that to the American people. These guys are never going to work Secret Service again.

You know who I really feel badly for in all this? Herman Cain (remember him?). I feel like he would have stayed in the race a little longer if he knew the Secret Service might help him pick up some ladies. He really would have put up his best efforts to make it to the White House.

Herman Cain may approve of this message, but here at Us Versus Them we know the Secret Service needs to Man Up! Those dudes knew those chicks asked for a few dólares up front. They thought they were international pimpin and they out kicked their own coverage.

So Secret Service, Man Up and know your limitations.



  1. Brock, hate to repeat the same comments but it is because I cannot check your site daily and I do not want to miss any postings. At the bottom of the page, number 1 goes back to April 13. When u click on number 2 it starts at March 30. April 12 back to March 31 is MISSING. This seems to only happen on the switch from page 1 to page 2. Maybe a programming glitch. Anyway sorry to keep bringing this up.

  2. I knew they were getting the man up/man down today. Didn’t Gov. Sanford lose his mind and act a fool over a Colombian. The 2nd counsin twice removed of Sophia Vergara was too much heat for secret service to resist. My question why not just pay the women and move on. You got the sex now you gotta pay…vet better next time. Our dollar is still stronger than their currency. And if it’s one thing team Us knows this was not the first time.

  3. Mr. Jezus says:

    Man, I don’t even want to really go into how you can get caught up by some spanish brawds down in South America…….

    There is a dudley fucking do right in the Service apparently. Someone should kick his ass.

    • Dammit Mr. Jezus. You just reminded me I didn’t drop my “why can’t the Secret Service keep a damn secret” joke in there. Shouldn’t these be the BEST guys to keep this incident out of the public eye?

  4. Mr. Jezus says:

    @ Brock

    Zackly! I mean aside from all the qualifications you need to be an SS agent I would think #1 is the above mentioned “take a bullet for a nilla/nicca” and #2 has to be “do not ever repeat anything you see/hear/do” And of these 2 rules, #2 has to be fucking easier no? I have more of a problem with a rat in the SS than I do with these fellas catching some Colombian Gold.


  5. I said last week to petrino post aht no azz was worht $20 mil but in this case i think azz is worth $47. Pay it and move on. Alwasy dat one dude who effs it up for everyone. Now everyone gonna lose their shiznit worth thousands, maybe millions combined over dude who didn’t want to pay $47 freakin dollars. dudes spend more money than that on a basic date to get azz. Should a paid it and chalked it up to da game.

  6. That girl in the second to last picture…. Wow

  7. Mr. Jezus says:

    I can see how ole boy got caught up……

    All lat sexy + the struggling english…….oooooooh wee!