My powers of prediction have been pretty strong over the last few weeks. First, I’m pretty sure I brought back Earl Sweatshirt. Dude was missing for two years and no one really knew where he was and on the day I mention him he drops a new single.
Now, I predicted that turning loose Jeremy Lin, an Asian star, on America that the racist bombs would start dropping any moment. I was right, but wasn’t expecting it from a spot as big as ESPN. Check this one out.
Not “Chink In the Armor”. Somehow that is bad and brilliant at the same time. This headline hitting the wire means three things. One, there are clearly no editors working on Friday nights. Two, the writer either knew that “Chink” was a racial epithet and decided that tucking it into an armor reference was a good way to hide it. Or three, he didn’t know “Chink” was a racial epithet and has the worst luck ever.
Apparently, “Jeremy Lin proves Asians can drive” didn’t fit into the storyline.
See, that is why I feel sorry for other racial groups. Black people have had a long time to lay out the racially offensive landscape. It is nuanced. We cover light skin vs. dark skin. Hair references. Preferences for delicious summer fruits and lightly breaded deep fried poultry. Tardiness. The gift of rhythm. Proclivity for brown liquors. The tendency to drive with one arm and reclined for comfort. We’ve pretty much got all the bases covered. It takes history, cultural reference, and a long, consistent PR campaign to get the word out. Asians don’t have that. America doesn’t even know what might be offensive. The Knicks even dropped a Jeremy Lin is “good fortune” on their billboard.
That’s the funny thing about racism. It changes. This isn’t necessarily racist just because he’s floating inside of a fortune cookie. It’s kinda clever. It looks like he is a giant live Pac Man who is about to eat the fortune cookie. (Wait…is that racist because Pac Man is yellow?? Fuck! But Manny Pacquaio calls himself Pac Man and he’s yellow. Wait…am I allowed to call him yellow or is only he allowed to call himself yellow? Are Filipinos even Asian? Wait…why am I putting my entire thought process on the Internet. It wouldn’t be racist if I just kept it to myself…or would it?) Sorry. They real reason this is racist is because they wouldn’t pull this graphic with anyone else. Like this.
See? That doesn’t even work. That’s why it’s racist. You need an Asian.
You want to know the real problem with racism? The fact that there is really no arms race. There are no hot button racist jokes against white people. I don’t know if white people are literally the race of “sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me” or if white racist lobs are just so woefully insufficient that no one cares. White people can’t jump? They made a whole movie about it. What is a “honkey”? Nothing. Does that even offend White people? I don’t think so. Redneck? That is so specific to a particular genre and region of white people that fully embraces the name, it just has no punch.
So that is what solves the racism problem, we need racism proliferation. Once everyone has a nuclear weapon, it will stop people from firing. That was we can all get along.