Weird Science: Cruise Ships

I have a confession to make. There are certain things in the world that just don’t make sense to me. Most of them have to do with scientific principles that don’t really make sense once you think about them too hard. Like airplanes. You really want me to believe that air moving over the bottom of the wing faster than the air over the wing is supposed to keep something that big that weighs that much in the air?

Even worse, cruise ships. They are skyscrapers on their side with thousands of people on them that float on water.

That thing is bigger than the whole island. Why is it floating? You want to know the worst part of this problem? When the physics fail (or an idiot breaks something) this is what happens to cruise ships.

I don’t know if you’ve ever been on  a cruise ships, but all the rooms aren’t sexy. Sure it is cool to get your Leonardo DiCaprio on and pretend like you are flying in the wind if you have one of those window rooms. But there are more rooms on the inside of the cruise ship that are just tiny jail cells with no windows. Imagine being in one of those when the whole boat goes sideways and starts filling with water.

Worst. Vacation. Ever.

I already thought this was the worst story ever. Then it got worse. There used to be principles in this world. Where you could depend on other people to do their job. People would devote their whole life to their job, take it seriously, take pride in their work. Now…I’m thinking most of these jobs are just a paycheck. One of those principles…the Captain always goes down with the ship. I think the pirates or Christopher Columbus invented that one. It’s been around for a long time. It makes sense. Someone has to be responsible. Like I’m in charge of UvT HQ. When the fire alarm goes off, I’ve got to make sure we get all the interns out. Make sure the stash of vodka and red bull is secured because the amount of vodka we keep in the office is probably a fire hazard. And grab the hard drives. I’m the captain, I can’t be the first man out of the door.

Meet Francesco Schettino. First of all this dude sunk a billion dollar cruise ship, not by hitting something he couldn’t see, not by getting hit by an underwater iceberg, he ran into LAND. The earth. That shit doesn’t move around. You are supposed to master the sweet art of keeping your boat on the water part instead on of on the dirt part when you are sailing around in a little dinghy, not in a 8 story cruise ship with 1,000 people on board. Dude saw that things were going wrong and got his ass on a escape boat and hit the shore. He broke out. That isn’t exactly an inspirational leader. The coast guard was trying to force him to go back and actually do his job, he pretty much refused.  Logical…but messed up.

So yeah, your boy Brock is never going on a cruise again. For the record, the aw hail naw list also includes: bungee cords, helicopters, hang gliders, planes with propellers, and parachutes. I don’t trust any of those things.




  1. Ian M. Summers says:


    You switched the way Bernoulli’s principle works. The air moving over the top has to go faster (since the top is curved and bottom is flat). When a fluid increases in speed it will decrease in density. The pressure differential sucks the wing up. The effect increases with speed, as you might expect. It’s the crazy speeds at which jets fly that allows the relatively small wing to support so much weight.

    Most wings don’t generate enough lift at low speeds to keep the airplane up on its own during level flight, which is why at low speeds you see planes use flaps, and fly with their noses pointed up (thus directing some of the force downward and angling the wing to create even more lift).

    Engineer Ian, Out

  2. Ian M. Summers says:

    Correction: change “force” to “thrust”.

    P.S. I’m pretty confident you don’t give a shit about any of that, but I had to post it for the geek in me.

  3. Mr. Jezus says:

    Damn…….look at El Mulito’s face. He knows he done fucked up. I am always nervous around people with mullets to begin with….but a wavey mullet? Nah mane….

  4. sweetsexy says:

    i have been convinced that a cruise ship is a def no for me just too much water and nowhere to run when shit goes wrong this just reaffirmed my decision that i wont be sailing anywhere on anyones boat ever and el capitino needs a man up and an ass whupping how you gone leave your baot and say eff errrrrbody on board when its your damm fault esp since apparently he hit land trying to show somebody a house on land

  5. Blappy Mason says:

    Is it just me or does “Captain Schettino” (Which I’m pretty sure translates to ‘Captain Shitty’) bear a striking resemblance to ‘Macho Man’ of Mike Tyson’s Punchout fame:

  6. Don’t forget to add hot air balloons to the list. Oh, and blimps. Really no point in either one. Lol

  7. @Brock and WowMom

    And submarines, da regular-sized, large ones but especially da colorful, douchebag submersibles/minisubs.

    {}. Check da angle 2 on this “Finding Nemo” bullshit {}. Yeaaa, Fuck No.

    I might be mildly claustrophobic, but an underwater death whilst looking and feeling like a canned tuna bitch who was in da process of floatin’ round and gettin’ it, gotta be somewhere in everybody’s fear file.

    • @Itz and @WowMom,

      While we are all talking about horrible ways to die, I’m gonna cosign on the blimp and the hot air balloon, and I’m going to up the ante on the personal submarine with this Not only do you die a solo death in a little plastic bubble, but you also look like an asshole doing it.

      Just to remind everyone of one of my personal life rules, whenever I decide to do something I always ask myself “If I died doing this, would people still feel bad for me, or would they just say, “That stupid mf’er shouldn’t have been doing THAT bullshit.”. There is a list of things that if you die doing them…you kinda deserved to die. Bungee jumping, riding carnival rides that were put together earlier that day by a dude with no teeth, crawling into spaces too small for your body, walking on train tracks with walls on either side that are twenty feet high, wrestling animals, and eating things after someone says “This tastes awful, taste this”.

      That list is not to be confused with worst PLACES to die. The top of that list is still inside or immediately outside of a strip club.

  8. well i just learned how airplanes stay in the sky today..

    I aint gon lie I slick wish I was on the boat just cause of the grand ballerific ass lawsuit that would be pending right now…the min they even made a face expression like some was going wrong I would’ve happily hopped my ass right onto the lifeboat way earlier than everyone else

    There’s videos of ppl calm as hell walking through the hallways somewhat sideways…smh

    That list is legit too. My Aw Hell Naw List also includes everything you listed plus coming within eyesight view of an alligator…

  9. Oh and i gave up rollercoasters after I saw that one Final Destination movie.

  10. i don’t know about boats but getting a pilots license is on my bucket list. i went up with a guy who let me fly and land the plane and it was da best. But that boat turned over things seems a lot and not fun. I hate feeling trapped or confined in any setting.