Man Up Monday: Fat Vegetarians

As you all know by now, there is a long list of things that piss me off. Smokers, people who drop a deuce in public restrooms like they are at home, big girls who think they are thick, and people who treat their dogs like they are people.

Who does the tongue belong to?

But there is one group who is gaining power and I really can’t stand them. Health Food fanatics. You know, those organic, grass fed, free range, seasonally harvested, gluten-free, vegetarian, vegan, please use a knife that didn’t touch the meat, people. I’m not telling anyone how to live. There is nothing more TeamUs than doing what the hell you want to do, but there is nothing more TeamThem than doing something that makes absolutely no sense.

Here’s the thing about vegetarians and vegans. They LOVE to talk about how they don’t eat meat, or cheese, or products derived from animal products or whatever the rules are. Every vegetarian acts like they are more healthy than you are because they don’t eat meat. First of all, there is no planet where this fine vegetarian compliant dish:

(I know I just messed up your New Year’s Resolution lunch plans)

Is better than this:

I’ll go ahead and drop the caveat that anyone who believes that animals are all God’s children and have a moral problem with meat at least have a legit position. I believe being at the top of the food chain has its privileges, but do your thing. Anyone who believes that your plate of rice, noodles and salad with extra Thousand Island is better than my steak, you’re just wrong.

Next point, just because something is raw or organic, it doesn’t make it automatically good for you. Here’s what you health freaks forget. When you make your organic, raw, coconut carob nut balls that you dehydrated…it is probably better than a Snickers bar, but guess what it isn’t better than? Not eating candy. If you are eating Frosted Flakes and you end up going with a corn flake and agave nectar combo as a substitute, great. Once again, better than sugar…but not a health food.

Oh and another thing. What’s up with vegetarians who immediately try to make legit foods veggie compliant? If you don’t like meat, don’t like meat. Don’t go break out the tofu bologna and veggie buffalo wings. Eat some celery sticks and call it a day. If you crave tofu dogs, you probably really don’t want to be vegetarian. People who eat meat watch their step around hotdogs. If you don’t like meat, why are you making fake enchiladas?

That’s awful. Whip up a salad and bear the burden of the path you chose. Don’t bastardize delicious Mexican food. Whatever that is up there just looks wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Finally, you can still be a fatass vegan. Vegan “muffins”? Those are just shitty cupcakes. Whatever you have to do to make something without milk or eggs turn into a solid in the shape of a muffin probably offsets whatever health benefits you think you are getting. Fettuccine Alfredo? Vegetarian all day…zero nutritional value.

So Vegetarians, Man Up! Time to be honest with yourselves. While you reconcile your hypocrisy, I’ll be at Popeye’s…he ate Spinach, right?



  1. Slick Jefferson says:

    The Don has spoken! That’s why Mr. Slick carries a styrofoam container of Chinese French fries when he’s headed to see the vegan lady in his life. It’s a happy medium, but healthy it is not.

  2. Mr. Jezus says:

    That vegan-chilada is straight up nasty looking. Is that melted, yet partially congealed tofu spread on top?

    Hold up: Just saw the presser recap on SC after the Denver/Pitt game. Fuck was Big Ben thinking with that little ass hat? Dude was mobbed out….with a tiny hat. C’MON MAN

    Ok, back to the post.

    I have never understood how folks can pass up a steak. I mean, I literally eat a Ribeye/Strip/Porterhouse 3-4 days a week. It is possibly the best meal on my planet. I like a salad too, Olive Garden kills it, but Morton’s will always be higher on the list.

    I don’t even associate with vegetarians. I put them along side people who don’t drink. Non-drinkers are clearly hiding something, & both clearly have something wrong with them.

  3. My mom is vegan. Constantly drinking all sorts of weird shit she juices. She’ll eat Wheat grass and all sorts of raw foods and tell me how great she feels. I simply reply with “Well i just had ribs and fell asleep and it was amazing”.

  4. Mike Lawry says:

    True dat. I’m a lifetime member of PETA (People for the Eating of Tasty Animals).

  5. as long as it is antibiotic free, i’m all about the meat (pause)

  6. hahahahaha hilarious!!! i work at a nonprofit surrounded by various levels of tree huggers who will demolish a sheet cake at 8am in the morning but question my five guys bag while they secretly lust at thier desk. I’m not against it but I don’t do it cus i would be no inds of way healthy. Damn them fries look good!

    • @Cicely

      First of all, Five Guys is delicious.

      Second, “demolish a sheet cake at 8am” is hilarious. By the way, and I think I mentioned this way back in the day in my breakfast post, for those of you who think eating sheet cake at 8am is wrong, people do it everyday. They just call it a “muffin” or “banana walnut bread”. That’s not bread, that’s breakfast cake.

  7. Here is that breakfast post.

  8. Ol' Bertie says:

    Ol’ Bertie ‘member da time sum cat tol’ him dat uh portuhbello mushroom taste jus like uh good ol’ hamburger.

    Den I tried dat shizz just to see: mang, dat jus tasted like a big dam mushroom on a piece uh bred. It dint taste like no burger any mo den a t-shirt wuld if u put ketchup an mussard all over it.

    No hatin’ in Bertieland cept wen sum head iz tryin to convince demself uh sumpin dat ain’t tru an they lie to ol’ Bertie.

    Az fo da smokin’, deez anti-smokin nazis goss ta be stopped. I goss to go against ol’ Brock on dat wun.

  9. Ol' Bertie says:

    Ol’ Bertie goss so riled up thinkin bout dat mushroom sandy he got trikked in2 eatin, he almos’ got cawt slippin and left hiz laptop in Lil’ Milez Brown’z nursery wen he wuz ‘post ta be babysittin, so ol’ gurl woulda knowed he wuz chekkin in wit TeamUs (or she mighta ‘spekted Ol’ Bertie wuz chekkin in wit TeamBangBus…nah, OBB i’nt dat bad a dad), stedda readin “Hop on Pop” or sum other Doc Seuss nonsenz for da tenf time dis mornin’.

    Den I’d be like dat cat who wuz lettin hiz game slip on dat commercial chekkin hiz fantasy unda da table, gettin cawt, and movin’ bak “Task: Get laid” a coupla dayz on duh calender.

    See wut happenz wen dem lyin’ vegetarianz get in yo hed and mess up yo game?


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