2011 UvT Awards: Man Up of the Year

Sure, I’ve written more than 50 Man Up Monday columns this year, but as always, the Man Up of the year is special. We’ve talked shit about honored the Balloon boy’s dad in 2009 (you probably don’t even remember that dude he needed to Man Up so badly, and last year we gave the Man Up treatment to Brett Favre (who still might call the Broncos this week to try to get them into the playoffs and lead them to a Superbowl).

So it came down to a few choices of the most ridiculous stories of the year. Of course we had Jerry Sandusky and the Penn State scandal.

There are only a few problems with this one. First, as you can see from this picture, Jerry Sandusky literally doesn’t get it. He’s being investigated for molesting boys in showers and he gets arrested in his crib while wearing a Penn State WRESTLING jacket?!?!?! What. The. Fuck. He thought that was a good idea? He didn’t think he wanted to burn that jacket? It makes me think this dude may literally be mentally impaired, and I don’t make fun of people who can’t mentally defend themselves. Second, this dude might be the devil himself. I don’t want to get dragged into the depths of hell for exposing the devil in human form. Third, it’s hard to make fun of a dude that sick. Excluding the entire paragraph preceding this sentence.

So that leaves us with one man who was made to look like the biggest bitch of the year.

Kris Humphries.

And no, I’m not just talking about his decision to wear that outfit. Although, he just earned some additional heat for allowing this picture to exist on the internet.

We should have known Kris Humphries was doomed when he decided to propose to Kim Kardashian on the same day that all the crazies were claiming was the apocalypse. Can you believe this guy got engaged, had a celebrity wedding, a honeymoon and got divorced since May? His entire relationship from top to bottom was shorter than the NBA lockout. The NBA was able to negotiate a billion dollars between 30 owners and hundreds of players before Kris was able to figure out how to deal with this.

I think that is marked “never before seen” because Kris never really figured out one of the great puzzles of the universe…Kim Kardashians ass. Hell, that clip makes it looks like Kim is still learning how to use her own equipment.

Here’s the worst part. Kris Humphries is an utterly irrelevant NBA player on the most irrelevant team in the league. Deron Williams helped…some. Moving the Nets to Brooklyn will help…some. But when the most recognizable part of the Nets, Jay-Z said “the Nets could go 0-82 and I’d look at you like this shits gravy” he didn’t exactly help their credibility.

That shit cray…ain’t it Jay?

Seriously though. There was a poll last year on “the most hated player in the NBA” and it was LeBron James for that horrible decision to say he was “taking his talents to South Beach” in a live interview. (Now Lebron has the most hated hairline in basketball. Seriously, can’t MJ, Charles Barkley and Vince Carter pull him to the side and let him know it is time to let go?) This year, Kris Humphries was the most hated. The only people who should hate him are Nets fans who see him getting a $8 Million contract this year and being a career 6 points and 5 rebounds guy. How can you hate a guy who has that little impact on the game?

Hell, how did Kim Kardashian decide to date a guy so irrelevant. I mean Kim Kardashian dated Reggie Bush. He was one of the greatest college football players ever and the dude who cost me the UvT Fantasy football title this year, not some random corner back from Wake Forest. You gotta stay on the level of your status. Reggie Bush was the best back of his era, and Kim Kardashian has the best backside of her era. It works. Or when she decided to date in the music industry. She didn’t just date that random dude from N’Sync who’s name I don’t remember who always ended up in the corner of all the pictures., she dated Ray-J. Wait a minute…Kris Humphries is pretty much the Ray-J of the NBA. My bad, Kim is being pretty consistent.

After the divorce. After the marriage was called a scam. After Kris was (and still is getting) publicly embarrassed on the Kardashian TV show. He gets kicked in the ass with this on his way out of the door.

It pretty much doesn’t get worse than being called gay by your ex on the cover of a national magazine. They didn’t even phrase it as a question. That is a straight up statement of fact. I’m actually scared of “What Khloe saw” at this point.

So Kris Humphries. You have the dubious distinction of getting the Man Up of the year. Just like LeBron, Mike Vick, Tiger Woods and any other sports figure who comes under fire, you can fight this and make it all go away by winning. That clears up all sins. Vegas currently has the Nets at 75/1 odds to take it all home. Good luck with that. Here’s a tip though. Here’s the hardest thing you ever did and somehow it just made you look like an asshole. Here was your Man Up moment and you messed it all up.

What are you 5? You can guarantee Kim was gonna make you pay for that one. Girls generally don’t find getting dropped in the water from 15 feet funny. FYI.

That doesn’t mean that clip isn’t hilarious. Kim really was not expecting that one.

Kris Humphries Man Up! You’ve gone from obscurity to infamy as the worst cat out there. You are literally famous for being terrible. That’s pretty much the worst kind of fame you can have.

-Brock