Your boy Brock made the West Coast relocation a reality, got myself together, and now I’m back. That means all of you can stop pretending that you care about the reasons I’m not hitting you with new posts. Thanks for the support though. Might take me a second to get warmed up, so let’s get it.
So the second I shut the place down, all hell breaks lose.
OBAMA vs. OSAMA:
As soon as I put down the keyboard I see my Twitter blow up on a Sunday night saying that the President has a major announcement. Work Blitzer is on CNN saying the President had an important announcement. Then he said the President would be coming out in five minutes. Then it was at 11pm. Finally, President Obama came striding down the hallway to let the world know Osama Bin Laden had been found, caught, and killed.
Now for the last 10 years we’ve been looking in caves, trying to figure out how Bin Laden was camping out for a decade while getting dialysis, and looking to see if he was still in Pakistan or somewhere else. Caves! Now I don’t know how government intelligence works, but I’ll tell you how the rest of the world works. Bin Laden was the leader of Al Qaeda, the boss. When you are the big brother, you get to pick your bunk, you get the front seat in the car and you get the big slice of pizza. So if that is the way a 10 year old works things out with his 8 year old little brother, you think Bin Laden is going to stay in a cave without his family or any comforts of home? Sheeeeeit, Bin Laden was exactly where I expected to find him. Kicking it in a mansion listening to a pre-release of Dr. Dre’s Detox album on his Beats by Dr. Dre headphones. He had a few wives up in there with him and everything. Dude was really kicking it.
Then the inevitable happened. Fox News went on ahead and got the leader of the free world mixed up with the most notorious criminal on the planet.
I know Bin Laden is dead, but let me give everyone a tip on how to never make this mistake again. Our President is named Barack Obama. That’s his last name. You can call him President Obama if you would like. The former head of Al Qaeda is named Osama Bin Laden. His last name is Bin Laden. Unless you went to high school with him, unless he is one of your boys from back home, unless you are somewhere in the top 5 of Al Qaeda and Bin Laden is your homeboy, I think calling the dude Osama is a little too familiar. Why the hell does everyone want to call him by his first name? See how it becomes easy? Barack sounds nothing like Osama. Obama does not resemble Bin Laden. Boom. See, it is no longer easy to make that mistake. Don’t say I never did anything for you.
Lakers get swept out of the Playoffs:
Now the second I get to L.A., what do I get? I get the Lakers getting beat twice at home then deciding that it isn’t worth it to try to fight their way back. Which is crazy because you know Kobe wanted it. Kobe always wants it.
He didn’t even pull out his wolf face in the series. Along the way the Lakers did the impossible. They made Dirk Nowitzki look like a beast. The one thing we could depend on in the NBA West is that the Dallas Mavs are soft. Chief softy #1 was Dirk Nowitski.
Now people are talking about Dirk like he’s one of the greatest ever. That’s pretty ridiculous. I will say, the only reason I would like to see the Mavs win is to see Mark Cuban completely lose his mind on national TV. The guy might actually make his own head explode if he gets to hold the championship.
What happened to the Lakers? I have my theories.
My Epic First Night in LA:
Now I’ve had some good nights in the past. I like to have a good time with the best of them. But when you run a blog like this you don’t expect to run into three UvT quality babes in one night. Now I know there are famous people who hang out in L.A., but I just couldn’t anticipate getting it all in at once. Bottom line, I run into Teyana Taylor, who gets down like this. The body is just as official in real life. Then, I’m backstage at the Dirty Money concert with the Ciroc flowing all night and get some close up time with Dawn Richard. She gets down in the show like this:
Finally, I roll to the afterparty and find out that out here in LA some clubs have clubs inside the club that you don’t even know are there. I mean we walk into a fully rocking club go straight through a damn near secret corridor and end up in a completely different club playing completely different music. I’m not just talking different rooms playing different music. I’m talking about “where the hell did this room come from” type stuff. So before I leave, I need to dispose of the copious volume of Ciroc I had consumed that night. I try to go to the regular club bathroom and got directed to some wild back storage room. I’m talking vacuum cleaners, hot water heaters, lockers, utility sinks, it is pretty much the wildest setup I’ve ever seen. Why the hell am I in the storage room? It actually gets better. There is some wild ass chick back there who is of the drunk and talking shit variety. She proceeds to tell an Asian chick in a bustier that she’s hot and needs to take some pictures of her. The directions are, and I quote, “tits out, shoulders back, and work that ass”. Then the group pictures started. I thought it was great but it got better. The door opens and a head pops in. Who is it. Christina Freaking Milian. She is as bad in person as anything I’ve ever posted to this site. We had a little convo, I let her know how much I appreciated her body of work. I’m just getting started.
Shit, I’m out of practice, I was supposed to tell someone to Man Up.
I’m gonna go with Bynum needing some pushups.