Jared Needs To Lay off Those $5 Footlongs

Jared Fogle is famous because he lost a gang of weight eating Subway sandwiches.


He did it all himself, then got famous after he lost the weight.  Nothing but veggie subs and exercise and he dropped over half of his body weight.


Now I know the weight battle is a tough one, and I know it only takes one Mountain Dew bender to start sliding down into the oblivion again.  Look, I understand you can walk into a Subway and make smart choices, but you can also grab a bag of chips, a big ass soda, a cookie and a meatball sub with ranch dressing.  I don’t know what Jared has been up to lately, but I think the combination of all the money he made doing the Subway commercials with those footlongs being sold for only $5 forced Jared into an offer he can’t refuse.


That’s right Jared is still a Indy fan, and he’s back on that stuff.  I mean damn Jared, when the footlongs are only $5, when the cashier at Subway tells you your order will be $17.82, it is time to ask them to take a few things back.  How many footlongs are you eating homey?  I know what the untucked jersey means, I see those extra chins you are packing.  Those might not be your old jeans, but you’re a long way from those slimmed out khaki’s you are wearing up there.  For the first time ever, were going to roll out the man Angle 2.


Jared, you might like Dallas Clark, but the NFL reserves jersey numbers in the 40’s for running backs and tight ends.  I’m thinking you’re looking more like you might need a jersey in the 60’s.  You’re looking more like the O Line these days.  Now, you have one job player.  There is one thing you need to do to keep those Subway checks coming in.  Keeping your ass slim is like showing up to work for the rest of us.  If we don’t show up, we get fired.  If you don’t look like you lost weight eating Subway, you get fired.  There is a meeting going down at Subway today where some young brand manager is going to print this picture on their color printer, they are going to walk into the CMO’s office with an ashen look on their face and drop that picture on his desk.  Then all hell is going to break out.  It is as bad as Ronald McDonald being caught eating a Whopper, as bad as Bill Gates getting caught using a Mac, this is all bad Jared.  Step your game up homey.  The end is near.



  1. Jared’s time as a Subway spokesperson is over in 10…9…8…

    But seriously, dude had a good run. The lifecycle for a particular ad strategy is very short, so for him to have been around this long is pretty good. Heck, he may have put on the weight because they already kicked him to the curb. I mean, corny behind Michael Strahan (how did that prenup work out for you?) and Justin Tuck are already in the commercials getting ready to edge ol’ boy out.

  2. Brock, You should feel like an ass now. How about writing nice about him since he is now gone. Jared, thank you for inspiring thousands of people both young and old. Brock, shame on you.

  3. Gaining weight and losing it is Jared’s career. He’s just preparing for his next gig.

  4. Cracked.