Steroids Are One Hell Of A Drug: Sammy Sosa Finds New Side Effects

I’ve been out of the mix this weekend, but when I started bumping around the internet I found out that Sammy Sosa went to the Latin Grammy’s this weekend.  You remember Sammy don’t you?  He was one of the top homerun sluggers during the Balco era of baseball stats.

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I’m not gonna lie, I saw Sammy during the All-Star Game in Atlanta during the Home Run Derby, and the dude was hitting straight lasers into the upper deck.  We know steroids can give you a big head, heart problems, and bad acne, but Sammy has found a new side effect.

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That’s right, Sammy is turning into a white man.  Yes, that is him, peep the lips and that lazy smile.  Ol girl might be giving the mad face, but she knows Sammy doesn’t look right.

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Sammy says he is undergoing a “skin rejuvination” treatment.  Is he trying to rejuvinate himself out of 400 years of oppression and social discrimination?  What kind of treatment makes the inside of your ears and your scalp lighter?  Did it also straighten his hair so he could drop that part in there and did it put those green contacts in his eyes?  Is that ol girl’s smile, or does she just have a permanent “didn’t get it” face?  I mean Sammy used to be a brother.

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Curly hair, brown eyes, Sammy was a good looking guy, he didn’t need to go Lil Kim on em to get some love.  I know Sammy used to say that Mark McGwire was the man in the United States and that he was the man in the Dominican Republic, but now he is walking around just looking like The Man.  And there is no point in following up with Sammy to find out what is actually going on.  You know he’s not gonna tell you.  He lied about corking his bat.  He lied about the roids.  You know he’s lying about his skin bleach.

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He’ll either act like he doesn’t think there is any difference, or like his English isn’t strong enough to understand your question.  If this is just a side effect of your treatment, I feel like it is just time to stay at the crib in the Dominican Republic until your tan comes back.

Sammy Sosa…Tan Up!

-Brock

Comments

  1. What kind of fuckery is this?! I mean, I know Latinos will not, under ANY circumstances, admit to any African blood in their families (unless, of course, hair/skin/features rat them out), but this kind of rampant delusion is just … eff it, he gets one big AHNT! And now, he gets the Adam Lambert award for Gaybert of the week. Men that wear colored contacts (outside of a movie role) automatically lose their hetero credentials.

  2. when I first saw his picture, i only vaguely recognized him… I had to read a caption to finally figure out that this is Sammy Sosa

  3. Mr Seventeen Five says:

    wtf?!? say it ain’t so sammy, say it ain’t so.

  4. Lmao, in dat third pic, he swear he is killin sexy right there. All going through his delusional ass mind is, “I’m Sammie muthafucking Sosa, can’t nobodtee tell me I ain’t white, nobodtee”. Get dis fool a mirror and some meds cuz he buggin da fuck out.